Sitting in the train coming from Rotterdam I see new houses being built and I can cry..
“Isn’t it enough? Are we not done yet with the expansion of everything? With improving a country where only a genius is able to trip over one of the eleven places where the pavement is crooked? Where every blade of grass is neatly mowed and forests are cleaned of dead trees. Where perfectly livable apartments get spruced up because it looks nicer. But where it is impossible to take in a few extra refugees. And I swear inside because swearing out loud is rude.
Where is contentment? When is it enough and are we able to take all the energy and money, used for improvement and growth, and use it for something useful?”
And my heart sinks into the boots I haven’t worn for ages, “is that why I’ve lost heart?”
I walk out of the train and am taken back to the camp, that happens a lot, I am there all the time. This time it’s the Afghans in “my” maintenance team, so disappointed about the fact I couldn’t do anything for them when they had to leave their tent because of a reorganization; “but you're the boss right? Please help us.” And I could cry
I walk on and think
about our “new normal”. People are “gettingusedtocreatures”, we can get used to about anything. Take corona and its measures for instance, quite doable right now. For me Lesbos took some getting used to but it’s been my normal for a longer time, to be honest it’s still my normal. Makes being back not ideal. Lesbos is horrible but Holland is terrible. The land where I live, where my friends and family are, whom I love and where I even love the country itself sometimes on the 4th of May. But with a lifestyle which I hate. That beautiful country fighting against corona so bravely and even then manages to keep its head above water financially, far above water that is, you can barely see the water anymore.
I walk on and I think
Back to my last blog in which I wrote: “nothing in me wants to maintain the camp on Lesvos” a bit of a problem as I was a maintenance guy there. Back in Holland I realize that less than wanting to maintain the camp I want to maintain Holland as it is. For the following reason; Holland (and by extension the EU) is the cause with Lesvos as effect. Hollands focus on itself and economic growth leads to policies which make camps like Moria possible. This situation where people spent 1-2 years in human rights violating circumstances is not because it’s all too complicated, it’s a lack of will and effort.
Maybe I am stubborn and my world view is too black and white (I don’t think so) but I can’t get myself to contribute to a society like this, it disgusts me.
I walk on and think
About the time when I was about 14 years old when my mum would ask if I had practiced for my bugle lesson the next day, “no not this week, didn’t have the time”, I answered to which my mother replied: “no time means no priority” (in Dutch these words have an overlap, literal translation for priority=priori-time). Sigh.. But she was right, watching comedians all week had priority over my bugle practice and with result, I barely play the bugle anymore and I am hilarious.
That’s the million dollar question for my time here in Holland, and all the time. Furthermore I use this as bar to measure things against; what does an organisation, church or country spend his/her time and money on? (time is money after all) More than from their words or mission statements will this teach me what they really think is most important.
I walk on and thought
that I had to spend a little more time in Holland. I had to deal with some stuff that didn’t get the time on Lesvos because I still walk around thinking about that place every day. The memories from that time and place are more real, more clear to me than my life here right now. I wanted to get some rest and then go from there. I was wrong, happens sometimes. Turns out I can’t calm down here because I am frustrated like crazy. Holland, the EU, Money, Myself, God, Things, Stuff and other Business. Frustrating
“Acceptation drives out frustration”
Perfect
So I’m going back.
I just have to accept some things.
Just accept Europe and the camp command on Lesvos don’t do their job, then I will do that. Someone has to do it.
Just accept that the situation won’t change on a Macro level, this is something of all times (curses).
Just accept I haven’t got a clue what God is up to, I’ve got Jesus’ words and they will keep me going for a while.
Just accept Holland is what it is, does what it does and that I can’t deal with that fact, fine, I’ll go and do something else.
Just accept that there isn’t a lot of money in this work so I can forget about saving or preparing for the future, fine, that’s Gods job then, I’ll just keep searching His kingdom.
Just accept that I have to accept these things and maybe give up my stubbornness a little and that all I can do is all I can do.
Just accept that these acceptations won’t last, that I will forget them, get frustrated and then realize the same stuff again at which point I can try acceptance once more.
Under the sun nothing’s new.
Just accept and go
Apart from my hatred of Holland and the general calling to love I have had an intense and good time on Lesvos. I thrive on chaos and challenge and I prefer visible depressing surroundings over the invisible depressing surroundings (a primark for instance, the symbol for consumerism at any cost).
So I’m going back once I have the money.
Prayer is always welcome.
Love, Nick
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